Sunday, January 02, 2005

 

Life's Little Miracles and Big Moons

We're now two days into the new year. 2005 has already gifted me with more pain to deal with and heal from. I can't leave out pain's friend, good old hurt. The mix wouldn't be complete without feelings of betrayal. Forgiveness. Growth. Acceptance. And finally grace. But at this moment, I feel peace. Thank the Nubian Goddess.

One of the financial crises I was in worked out. Its still going to be tough, but me and mine are going to make it. But despite that miracle--I realized today that I have a lot of major decisions to make over the next month or so. These decisions must be made or they'll make themselves and I may not like the outcome of fate's decisesiveness. I keep reminding myself that this is the year I learn how to live for me. With boundaries of course. But I mustn't allow others, especially those who are not directly contributing to my personal success, to determine my direction any longer. This is a freeing but difficult place to be. Fear wants to step in and nudge me back into the comfort of my co-dependency. But I will not allow it--I simply can't.

My spouse's vacation is almost over. I'll miss our quiet times and regular daily interaction. But I know we must have space for both of us to achieve our goals and have some of life to ourselves. I've recently applied for a full time job. This is major for me. I really didn't want to return to the rat race. I was praying my creative endeavors would come through and sustain us in new and greater ways. I still have hope and I'll keep on working at it, but in order to improve my financial situation and make the money amends I need to make, I must have financial stability NOW. I'm not sure if I have the job yet, althought I feel my chances are very good. Either way, all of my efforts at this time must be geared toward my financial stabilty and the stability of my mate and I's home and life.

I'm feeling creative today. But the warmth of my honey's touch is calling me back to the couch to be cuddled and held. This is why is so hard to write when my better half is around....

I've done some of the things on my new year's resolution list. First and foremost, I've gone two days without sugar and excessive baked products. But I've yet to do some planned, extended exercise. I am making a commitment to me that no matter what, tomorrow I am going to exercise. I will not park these pounds in front of the TV with my slim and trim mate. I love and accept myself just like I am but I must move forward toward my destiny. And my destiny is definitely connected to my improved health.

I thank my ancestors and the Orisa for the blessings and lessons of life in the first two days of 2005.

Ase.

T.A.

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