Monday, January 24, 2005

 

The Rhythm of Justice

Sorry blog, a few weeks have gone by and I haven't made time to write on you. But tonight, as tired as I am, I feel led to share a few words with my soul journal and the one individual I trust enough to share these writings with at this point. I hope that one day, I'll be able to share this work with my extended family.

Since the last time I wrote, I've embraced my own temple--Ile Ori Ogbe Egun, gone on several job interviews, gotten my hair done, set new and greater defined boundaries with those I love and so much more. My and my sweetie found a beautiful home, one that we'd be very comfy in and I'm praying that it is our fate to live in this humble but lovely abode.

Change is scary. Its like that moment in the cocoon when the butterfly is erupting. During that time, the butterfly is all liquid, has no solid or defined form. That's kind of how I feel right now. But I do see the bright beautiful colors of my wings and I'm preparing to fly. Legs are little wobbly, vision's not totally clear, but I can see my destiny. The fun part will happen when I finally lift off and take flight. That's the day I'm living for.

I shall make this entry short.

I want to thank my ancestors, the orisa and my own ori for blessing me with strength, courage and wisdom.

I also want to thank my love--my heartfire. D.M. Without you, my wings would have no color....

T.A.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

 

My Daughter's 24th Moon

January 5th is the day my beloved daughter was born. It was and is one of the most joyous ocassions of my life. I can still remember her blue eyes looking around the delivery room trying to make sense out of her new surroundings. And yes, this black babies eyes were blue when she was born. and she had red hair. Blame on the Irish in her. And yes, the Irish had African slaves too.

As mad as she makes me, as much pain as she has caused my soul, I am so happy that her soul chose me to be its harbor. And I am so glad that she decided to come to earth. Her initials spell day. Consequently, she has been the light clearing away my darkness many a day. i love her more than life itself. so much, i can't even put this kind of love into words. and i'm a writer!

24 moons ago I carried her in my womb. She was an active baby. Constantly kicking, stretching and poking out her little miniature behind. I loved her from the moment she started breathing and using my life force to feed her own. I knew I was pregnant long before a doctor confirmed it. As crazy as her dad and I were in our twenties, we did love each other. The second that love bonded at the level love or some other emotion must to create life, I knew she or maybe even he, was alive inside of me.

Being the goat my child is, she couldn't even wait to be born. She came two months early. wasn't sick or anything. just wanted to come. i was wearing braids at the time. individuals. she used to reach out her tiny hand and grab my braids. then she would smile this amazing smile and light my heart on fire.

i'm just so happy that she was happy today. her birthday is my birth day. so we both celebrate her life.

i hope my child always remembers that she is worthy of nothing but the best. she is now a queen. she has earned her crown. i hope she knows that god whispered and she laughed. isn't that amazing? see, all parents live for the sound of their child's laughter. and all parents die just a little whenever their children cry. keep laughing d. and remember that nothing in life is worth your peace of mind.

happy birthday forever.

i love you.

take care of my little man. forgive him like i have forgiven you.

mom

Monday, January 03, 2005

 

McDonald's Stole My Abstinence But Tomorrow's a New Day!

January 3. That doggone Mickey Dee's--I could smell those fries from the red light. They hypnotized my azz. But then again, I shouldn't driven by there all slow, looking at how long the line was, fantasizing the first bite of that warm, salty frie. LMBAO! And the Nubian Goddess knows, I could've ordered the salad, but I didn't. I rationalized my binge on carbs and grease by telling myself that my mate was going to order some fries anyway. And since I had already slipped and eaten the fries, I treated myself to some vanilla custard ice cream. Then later, I asked for a piece of my sweetie's licorice. It was O.V.E.R. by then. Dang! Okay, okay. I forgive myself. The good news is that my honey, who by the way is my biggest temptation (gotta blame somebody for my overactive fork), goes back to work tomorrow. So I'll have at least eight hours without someone drinking ice cold mountain dew, cooking fragrant popcorn in the microwave and eating red, juicy licorice strips in front of me. My salad with lemon juice and olive oil somehow feels a bit more appetizing when the scent of fresh popcorn isn't floating through the air.

Tonight I was watching TV and a network who I shopped my TV show idea to aired a new show that was a splitting image of my treatment. This is the third darn time this has happened to me. Why won't they give a sistah the money for a change? And didn't they have a european playing my role!!! Yes they did! But these are different days and if I need to call Johnny (for those who know, know) I darn sholl will. By the way, sholl is Black vernacular for the word "sure." Anyway y'all, 'm feeling more powerful each day. I'm starting to love being me again.

Till tomorrow.

Here's to Miracles and Justice!

T.A.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

 

Life's Little Miracles and Big Moons

We're now two days into the new year. 2005 has already gifted me with more pain to deal with and heal from. I can't leave out pain's friend, good old hurt. The mix wouldn't be complete without feelings of betrayal. Forgiveness. Growth. Acceptance. And finally grace. But at this moment, I feel peace. Thank the Nubian Goddess.

One of the financial crises I was in worked out. Its still going to be tough, but me and mine are going to make it. But despite that miracle--I realized today that I have a lot of major decisions to make over the next month or so. These decisions must be made or they'll make themselves and I may not like the outcome of fate's decisesiveness. I keep reminding myself that this is the year I learn how to live for me. With boundaries of course. But I mustn't allow others, especially those who are not directly contributing to my personal success, to determine my direction any longer. This is a freeing but difficult place to be. Fear wants to step in and nudge me back into the comfort of my co-dependency. But I will not allow it--I simply can't.

My spouse's vacation is almost over. I'll miss our quiet times and regular daily interaction. But I know we must have space for both of us to achieve our goals and have some of life to ourselves. I've recently applied for a full time job. This is major for me. I really didn't want to return to the rat race. I was praying my creative endeavors would come through and sustain us in new and greater ways. I still have hope and I'll keep on working at it, but in order to improve my financial situation and make the money amends I need to make, I must have financial stability NOW. I'm not sure if I have the job yet, althought I feel my chances are very good. Either way, all of my efforts at this time must be geared toward my financial stabilty and the stability of my mate and I's home and life.

I'm feeling creative today. But the warmth of my honey's touch is calling me back to the couch to be cuddled and held. This is why is so hard to write when my better half is around....

I've done some of the things on my new year's resolution list. First and foremost, I've gone two days without sugar and excessive baked products. But I've yet to do some planned, extended exercise. I am making a commitment to me that no matter what, tomorrow I am going to exercise. I will not park these pounds in front of the TV with my slim and trim mate. I love and accept myself just like I am but I must move forward toward my destiny. And my destiny is definitely connected to my improved health.

I thank my ancestors and the Orisa for the blessings and lessons of life in the first two days of 2005.

Ase.

T.A.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

 

Dancing To a New Beat: A Second Birth Day

Good Morning World:

Today, January 1, is my grandmother's birthday. She passed away nearly 12 years ago, but I remembered this morning that today is the day she celebrated her coming to the earth. Just think, almost one hundred years ago, her mother and my great grandmother, started her new year off giving birth. How fitting for this morning's blog as I consider myself to be reborn today. The old me died yesterday. My mantra today is, "I have the power to determine the course of the rest of my life." I will say this every time I want to make excuses to revert back to old ways of thinking and being. Last night I made a list of my new year's resolutions. Can you believe there were eighteen things on the list?! Yes, I have a lot to work on. But as long as I am moving forward, its all good. After all, I have just been born. I am seeing the world through new eyes. This blog won't be long as I have to begin today with ACTION toward cleaning up my financial mess. I have letters to write to creditors. I have credit reports to order. And after I'm finished with that, I must exercise, meditate and work on completing the editing of my book. I have an announcement before I go. I am a New York Times best-selling author. That is who I am. It hasn't happened yet, but I have learned that one has to first be what they desire to have that thing come true. So from now on, when you read my blogs, remember who I am!

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I will enjoy it to the fullest no matter what. I'm dancing to a new beat. Drums. Horns. Violins. Upright Bass. All are playing my song. Wish me a happy Second Birth Day. Peace on the Journey. T.A.

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