Monday, February 20, 2006

 

Mondays Blue

Its here again. Monday. I have to work. Though I'm grateful for having a job, god knows I wish I was waking up going to a career. I wish I was waking up feeling healthy and good. But the truth is the Black people's disease is on me. But God, being the powerful God she is, will help me overcome this. I just know it. I just pray my daughter and other people of my persuasion, understand the seriousness of HBP and starting eating correctly so as not to get this thing.

On a positive note, I'm optimistic about life, love and money today. I got a financial blessing that will allow me to do somethings I need to do like seeing about my mother. I just ask that you bless and protect me God. Getting on the plane is so stressful to me and that's no joke.

Love you Ta'Shia

Me

Friday, February 17, 2006

 

Black People's Disease

I got it. HBP. HBS. O. You got to be Black to know what these acronyms stand for. High Blood Pressure. High Blood Sugar. Overweight. That's all me. I didn't understand as a young person the seriousness of genetics and that even if I remained skinny I was predisposed to hypertension because my beloved parents and grandparents were all carriers of the Black People's Disease. I wouldn't have eaten those 3 big macs when I was sixteen. I wouldn't have gave up my abstinence in HOW had I known I'd be here, fighting high blood pressure at such a young age. I do not want to end up like luther! I do not want to end up a statistic. No, I'm not obese. And I spend more money on organic food that rich white folks. But when I'm bad, I'm bad and I'm paying for those bad times. I pray that my daughter gets it, that this is a death sentence if you don't catch it early. I pray I can lose the excess pounds and lose the hurt, pain and disappointment that makes someone eat more than they should. I'm really worth fighting for. Today, I'm fighting for me. I am my revolution.

Monday, January 24, 2005

 

The Rhythm of Justice

Sorry blog, a few weeks have gone by and I haven't made time to write on you. But tonight, as tired as I am, I feel led to share a few words with my soul journal and the one individual I trust enough to share these writings with at this point. I hope that one day, I'll be able to share this work with my extended family.

Since the last time I wrote, I've embraced my own temple--Ile Ori Ogbe Egun, gone on several job interviews, gotten my hair done, set new and greater defined boundaries with those I love and so much more. My and my sweetie found a beautiful home, one that we'd be very comfy in and I'm praying that it is our fate to live in this humble but lovely abode.

Change is scary. Its like that moment in the cocoon when the butterfly is erupting. During that time, the butterfly is all liquid, has no solid or defined form. That's kind of how I feel right now. But I do see the bright beautiful colors of my wings and I'm preparing to fly. Legs are little wobbly, vision's not totally clear, but I can see my destiny. The fun part will happen when I finally lift off and take flight. That's the day I'm living for.

I shall make this entry short.

I want to thank my ancestors, the orisa and my own ori for blessing me with strength, courage and wisdom.

I also want to thank my love--my heartfire. D.M. Without you, my wings would have no color....

T.A.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

 

My Daughter's 24th Moon

January 5th is the day my beloved daughter was born. It was and is one of the most joyous ocassions of my life. I can still remember her blue eyes looking around the delivery room trying to make sense out of her new surroundings. And yes, this black babies eyes were blue when she was born. and she had red hair. Blame on the Irish in her. And yes, the Irish had African slaves too.

As mad as she makes me, as much pain as she has caused my soul, I am so happy that her soul chose me to be its harbor. And I am so glad that she decided to come to earth. Her initials spell day. Consequently, she has been the light clearing away my darkness many a day. i love her more than life itself. so much, i can't even put this kind of love into words. and i'm a writer!

24 moons ago I carried her in my womb. She was an active baby. Constantly kicking, stretching and poking out her little miniature behind. I loved her from the moment she started breathing and using my life force to feed her own. I knew I was pregnant long before a doctor confirmed it. As crazy as her dad and I were in our twenties, we did love each other. The second that love bonded at the level love or some other emotion must to create life, I knew she or maybe even he, was alive inside of me.

Being the goat my child is, she couldn't even wait to be born. She came two months early. wasn't sick or anything. just wanted to come. i was wearing braids at the time. individuals. she used to reach out her tiny hand and grab my braids. then she would smile this amazing smile and light my heart on fire.

i'm just so happy that she was happy today. her birthday is my birth day. so we both celebrate her life.

i hope my child always remembers that she is worthy of nothing but the best. she is now a queen. she has earned her crown. i hope she knows that god whispered and she laughed. isn't that amazing? see, all parents live for the sound of their child's laughter. and all parents die just a little whenever their children cry. keep laughing d. and remember that nothing in life is worth your peace of mind.

happy birthday forever.

i love you.

take care of my little man. forgive him like i have forgiven you.

mom

Monday, January 03, 2005

 

McDonald's Stole My Abstinence But Tomorrow's a New Day!

January 3. That doggone Mickey Dee's--I could smell those fries from the red light. They hypnotized my azz. But then again, I shouldn't driven by there all slow, looking at how long the line was, fantasizing the first bite of that warm, salty frie. LMBAO! And the Nubian Goddess knows, I could've ordered the salad, but I didn't. I rationalized my binge on carbs and grease by telling myself that my mate was going to order some fries anyway. And since I had already slipped and eaten the fries, I treated myself to some vanilla custard ice cream. Then later, I asked for a piece of my sweetie's licorice. It was O.V.E.R. by then. Dang! Okay, okay. I forgive myself. The good news is that my honey, who by the way is my biggest temptation (gotta blame somebody for my overactive fork), goes back to work tomorrow. So I'll have at least eight hours without someone drinking ice cold mountain dew, cooking fragrant popcorn in the microwave and eating red, juicy licorice strips in front of me. My salad with lemon juice and olive oil somehow feels a bit more appetizing when the scent of fresh popcorn isn't floating through the air.

Tonight I was watching TV and a network who I shopped my TV show idea to aired a new show that was a splitting image of my treatment. This is the third darn time this has happened to me. Why won't they give a sistah the money for a change? And didn't they have a european playing my role!!! Yes they did! But these are different days and if I need to call Johnny (for those who know, know) I darn sholl will. By the way, sholl is Black vernacular for the word "sure." Anyway y'all, 'm feeling more powerful each day. I'm starting to love being me again.

Till tomorrow.

Here's to Miracles and Justice!

T.A.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

 

Life's Little Miracles and Big Moons

We're now two days into the new year. 2005 has already gifted me with more pain to deal with and heal from. I can't leave out pain's friend, good old hurt. The mix wouldn't be complete without feelings of betrayal. Forgiveness. Growth. Acceptance. And finally grace. But at this moment, I feel peace. Thank the Nubian Goddess.

One of the financial crises I was in worked out. Its still going to be tough, but me and mine are going to make it. But despite that miracle--I realized today that I have a lot of major decisions to make over the next month or so. These decisions must be made or they'll make themselves and I may not like the outcome of fate's decisesiveness. I keep reminding myself that this is the year I learn how to live for me. With boundaries of course. But I mustn't allow others, especially those who are not directly contributing to my personal success, to determine my direction any longer. This is a freeing but difficult place to be. Fear wants to step in and nudge me back into the comfort of my co-dependency. But I will not allow it--I simply can't.

My spouse's vacation is almost over. I'll miss our quiet times and regular daily interaction. But I know we must have space for both of us to achieve our goals and have some of life to ourselves. I've recently applied for a full time job. This is major for me. I really didn't want to return to the rat race. I was praying my creative endeavors would come through and sustain us in new and greater ways. I still have hope and I'll keep on working at it, but in order to improve my financial situation and make the money amends I need to make, I must have financial stability NOW. I'm not sure if I have the job yet, althought I feel my chances are very good. Either way, all of my efforts at this time must be geared toward my financial stabilty and the stability of my mate and I's home and life.

I'm feeling creative today. But the warmth of my honey's touch is calling me back to the couch to be cuddled and held. This is why is so hard to write when my better half is around....

I've done some of the things on my new year's resolution list. First and foremost, I've gone two days without sugar and excessive baked products. But I've yet to do some planned, extended exercise. I am making a commitment to me that no matter what, tomorrow I am going to exercise. I will not park these pounds in front of the TV with my slim and trim mate. I love and accept myself just like I am but I must move forward toward my destiny. And my destiny is definitely connected to my improved health.

I thank my ancestors and the Orisa for the blessings and lessons of life in the first two days of 2005.

Ase.

T.A.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

 

Dancing To a New Beat: A Second Birth Day

Good Morning World:

Today, January 1, is my grandmother's birthday. She passed away nearly 12 years ago, but I remembered this morning that today is the day she celebrated her coming to the earth. Just think, almost one hundred years ago, her mother and my great grandmother, started her new year off giving birth. How fitting for this morning's blog as I consider myself to be reborn today. The old me died yesterday. My mantra today is, "I have the power to determine the course of the rest of my life." I will say this every time I want to make excuses to revert back to old ways of thinking and being. Last night I made a list of my new year's resolutions. Can you believe there were eighteen things on the list?! Yes, I have a lot to work on. But as long as I am moving forward, its all good. After all, I have just been born. I am seeing the world through new eyes. This blog won't be long as I have to begin today with ACTION toward cleaning up my financial mess. I have letters to write to creditors. I have credit reports to order. And after I'm finished with that, I must exercise, meditate and work on completing the editing of my book. I have an announcement before I go. I am a New York Times best-selling author. That is who I am. It hasn't happened yet, but I have learned that one has to first be what they desire to have that thing come true. So from now on, when you read my blogs, remember who I am!

This is the first day of the rest of my life. I will enjoy it to the fullest no matter what. I'm dancing to a new beat. Drums. Horns. Violins. Upright Bass. All are playing my song. Wish me a happy Second Birth Day. Peace on the Journey. T.A.

Friday, December 31, 2004

 

Awakening a New Rhythm

Just when you thought the fall was over, you discover a new bottom. A hidden trap door. Like one of the doors you touch or bump--it looks like a bookshelf--you know the kind in those horror flicks that just slide open and place you into the unknown. And now you're falling further into the blackness that is sometimes life. Walking without sight, smell or touch. That's where I am right this moment. Nowhere. This is New Year's Eve. I'm supposed to be somewhere partaying, somewhere having a good ol' time. But this evening, I received one more written notification of the financial crisis I'm steeped in, of the financial hole I've dug myself into people pleasing, rescuing and just being plain old irresponsible. Yesterday I spent my last money buying food for a community event! I didn't know it was my last money until today when a couple of unexpected expenses took a trip through my family's bank account. I will stop being so codependent! I will stop being so codependent. I will stop!!! And the irony of it all is that those around me seem so oblivious to all I'm going through with the exception of just a sacred few. Why should they know what I'm going through? I don't tell them. Do I say I'm broke--no! I call it a financial challenge. Well, here it is--A Sistah Be Broke! LOL. Usually I just smile and act like I'm fine when on some days....whew, I could just stay in bed from sun up to sun down and be okay. It's rough being in this human incarnation. I hope I learn the lessons soon. I'm running out of lives. LOL. I used to feel so proud of the fact that I have given my entire life to the "cause." The Black cause, the women's cause, poor people's cause, gay people's cause and the list goes on and on. This year, I realized that most activists, most humanitarians die broke and lonely-- some even leave here homeless. Not one of the "thousands" of people they "touched," found it in their hearts to offer these people a bed, a meal--nothing. This is painfully real. Other activists leave here sick with cancer and other spiritual illnesses. These realities hit me hard. One of my spiritual teachers told me that being a priest (Yoruba Priestess) is continuously painful. He said anytime someone goes against the grain, choses the unpopular and least traveled road--people will reject you, abandon you, attack you and betray you on a regular basis. Sometimes they do this just because you are different and your being different scares them. Messes with their comfort level. Today, I'm claiming the freedom to decide if this is the road for me. I don't care how many people are looking up to me or expecting me to guide them. I guess I need to become the "cause" I'm fighting for. I need to creat a campaign for my own freedom. An elder told me last night that I have a gift for affirming the gifts of others. People tell me all the time how much I help them. How much my wisdom, support (blah, blah, blah) has helped them transform their life. But today, I am turning in the "help other people" baton. I know the Elder meant that as a compliment, but for me, that was just one more example of how I give and give to the point of being drained. Something is wrong with this painting called me and I'm determined to fix it even if I have to repaint it, stomp on it, wash it, ring it out--hell--maybe I'll just throw the damn thing out and get a new canvas. That's it! I'm going to start with nothing and create the life I want. A blank canvas. January 1, 2005, I'm starting with zero. I want to be in alignment with our bank account. LOL. That would mean I'd have to not only be zero, I'd have to be in the RED. LOL again. So I guess the first color I'm painting with is blue. Navy blue. Dark, dark navy blue. Tomorrow I'll add some indigo, peach and pink. Some uplifting colors. Tomorrow, I replan and restrategize my entire life. Some may thinking I'm binging on self-pity. That I'm having a melt down. Hell, maybe I am. But you know what, it's dayum time I started having some compassion and that's right, some PITY for myself. I need to melt down to nothing so I can become what is in my heart and my soul. I'm always thinking I'm not doing enough, being enough, sharing enough. And you know what? I've always been enough! I have always been a MF nuff. Why I couldn't see this is beyond me. I'm starting to wonder if my 12-step program upbringing has had a negative impact on my ability to navigate through life. 19 years of being powerless, of making amends, of looking at my part in every thing. 19 years of trying to live righteously, of trying not to step on anyone or hurt anyone. Where has it gotten me? What's that saying? "Nice girls finish last." Last will no longer have my name on it! I'm giving up that slot today. Here's my point: the humility 12-step programs teach you to move in really becomes a problem when you're playing ball with those who would trip you, hide your ball and steal your points in a new york minute. You're sitting over there trying to be humble. While those who get joy in your public humiliation are getting full off your failure. 2004 taught me that being in the prize ring is tough. Everyone is always looking and at any minute, you might get knocked the @#$K out. And a bunch of people will be cheering as you bounce off the ropes and hit the floor. And some of those cheering folks will be those you have prayed with, for and among. Nope, the entertainment industry is not for the faint of heart nor the weak of spirit. You are a walking dollar bill to those around you and at any moment, they might decide to make change with your azz. Today I am toughening my skin with the oil of truth. Personal truth. Spiritual truth. And Black folks--mmphf, mmphf, mmphf, what can I say about my brothers and sisters? Okay, I know, I'll write about them in February, Black history month. Isn't that befitting? LOL. I'll say this for now, as much as I love my people, as much as I have sacrificed for my people, NO other people have hurt me more. But I will always love them, yes I will. But in 2005 I will love them in a new and different way. And I will be thankful for all people, regardless of skin color or race. I have to learn to be selfish, let go of guilt, be self-serving. Hate me if you want to. Run if you need to. I have to love and treasure the art of winning if I want to survive and hopefully one day thrive. 2005 is going to be one helluva clean up year for me, but as long as I have hope and breath, I have a chance to change my life. I might not have any friends left by the end of 2005. But damnnit, that's just too bad. I'm living for me in 2005. Period. End of story. At Midnight, the old me is dead. I am no longer anything. I am recreating me from the ground up. I can do this. I can do this. I will do this. The Rhythms of Life Do Change. Moons, Miracles and Justice. T.A.

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